Hold My Hand

 

Time is so hard to grasp. There are seasons in life when time seems to have you stuck in place. Your heart longs to move quickly past the place where you are at, but time seems to hold you hostage and each day seems as the day before. Your endurance and faith are tested.

Then there are seasons when you cannot seem to slow time down.  You find yourself back at the dinner table in what feels like moments from finishing breakfast. Your heart aches to stay in the moment but time shows no regard. You are forced into tomorrow and yesterday is quickly fading in the distance. Your priorities and purpose are tested.

Many times I find myself teetering between both perspectives.  In fact, every day there comes a special time when my two perspectives collide. It happens as I sit on a plastic green stepping stool infront of our two-year-old daughter, who is sitting on the potty telling me, “Hold my hand.”  For whatever reason, each day she wants me to be there with her, holding her hand, as she grunts and holds her breath trying to accomplish her task. So I sit, once again, just as I did the day before, and the day before that. I sit stuck on a green plastic stool infront of a toilet waiting on a two-year-old child to do her business. Time, and I, sit still.

It is in that moment that the Lord has allowed me to catch a glimpse of my daughter that continues to challenge my perspective of time. In that moment, I imagine her much older,  grunting and trying to breathe her way through a very different task, the task of labor pains.  I imagine her and wonder, “Will you still want me holding your hand?”

I sit on my stool, and I hold her hand in a sweet moment that I know will be a distant memory faster than I can imagine. I know soon she will not need me or want me to hold her hand in the bathroom anymore.  My prayer is that I can somehow hold on to this moment in my heart and at the same time place in her heart a deep assurance that no matter what season in her life she is in, I will be willing to hold her hand.  So, I grasp her hand and I try to grasp a greater understanding of God-given time.  Am I making the most of my short time here on Earth with her and those who I love? Truly,  that is what matters most. 

 

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. -Psalm 90:12

 

 

The Scratching Sound

 

It was the wee hours of the morning. My husband was out of the country with the military.   I was up writing on my bed. My young daughter had fallen asleep by my side. Suddenly I started to hear a scratching sound coming from behind my bed. It started faint and I tried to ignore it, but then I heard it again, “Scratch, scratch, tap, tap.” I thought, “It is probably just another bug scurrying across some paper.” I grabbed my husband’s shoe.

But then the scratching sound kept getting louder and louder. My heart started beating faster as I remembered my husband making mention of a rat he had seen run across our driveway a week earlier. A new thought popped in my mind, “What if it is not just a little bug? What if it is a rat?”

Moments later I had made up my mind, “It is a rat and if it is not a rat it is a huge bug that is going to jump out at me the moment I go to look for it.” Then in a moment of great valor I quickly evacuated my daughter out of the room. I shoved a towel under my bedroom door and then did the brave thing any grown woman with a husband gone would do. I called my mother.

My mom encouraged me and assured me, “A rat won’t keep moving about under your bed with you there. It’s probably just a bug scratching around in some papers. You are 5′4″ and with a broom in your hands you’d be a very scary adversary for a bug.”

At this point, I had become a refugee on my sofa, kicked from my homeland due to a frightening noise. We talked and prayed. I felt better and a bit ridiculous.

It was almost 5:00 a.m. but I couldn’t sleep. I had a potential rodent on the loose in my room. Then God mustered up my courage in me. I did what my momma said. I grabbed a broom and pushed the door open slowly. Next I grabbed my original other weapon of choice, my husband’s shoe.

I saw no sign of rat droppings and heard no scratching sound. I walked on top of my bed and with a big breath (and my big broom and big shoe) investigated behind the headboard… nothing. Next, I got as far back from my bed as I could and got down on my belly- a move I considered quite brave- and lifted the bed skirt with the end of my broom… no rat. I did find two crinkled papers and my daughter’s missing shoe that had been missing for some time.

Then I saw the origin of all my fears making its way up my bed skirt, only two feet away from where my daughter had been resting. I quickly knocked it down to the carpet and assaulted it with my husband’s shoe. It laid there in shock- still moving. It was not a rat or a large bug. It was an embarrassingly small bug.

I stared at that bug and considered how I was God’s daughter. I thought of my ”my walk” with Christ.  There I was, filled with fear over some small bug.  I was like a child walking around with a missing shoe. I thought to myself,  ”How can I walk in power and peace if I walk in doubt and fear?”  I thought of how I took hold of my husband’s shoe, and questioned, “Am I truly taking a hold of God’s Word?” I thought of how I lifted up that broom to face my fears and questioned, “What am I lifting up when it comes to the big fears in my life? Am I lifting up words of praise and faith or words of fear?   Do I have faith that God will sweep away my fears?”

In that moment, I knew that this tiny bug was God’s way of teaching me some big lessons. How funny and clever God is with His lessons. He exposes our weaknesses not to crush us, but to make us stronger, and that is what matters most.

 

“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10 NIV

 

Racing the Ghost

My boys continue to love to play racing games on our Wii. I have been watching their skills improve since we first got the system. My favorite race to watch them race is when they race against their own best time. In Mario Kart Wii they call it racing against the ghost. When the race begins you find yourself racing against yourself. You can see every move you made. You see every great turn. You see every mistake. You see it all and you have the chance to pass your ghost by and set a new record.

Our eight year-old son is pretty clever. He quickly realized that he could intentionally race poorly on his first try in order to win the race against himself on the next go. He would intentionally make wrong turns and slam into walls in order to set a low standard for himself that would be easy to surpass. Our six year old son however has not figured out this method of “winning.” He instead tries his best each time to beat the time he set before. Sometimes when he fails to beat his best time he gets discouraged.

As I watch them I cannot help but consider how we all race the ghost. Had I have had my eight year-old’s strategy earlier in my life, I would have done things differently. I would have left more laundry undone and more dishes in the sink in the beginning of my marriage. I would have cooked even worse than I did (if that is even possible) and been a whole lot less involved in my church. I could have set myself up for success! Of course, I am joking.

I prefer my six-year old’s strategy. I try daily to do my best. I don’t always get tasks done as quickly as my ghost, but I am staying the course, learning new tricks, discovering new turns, and stopping to enjoy the scenery. The time it takes me to put away my laundry and dishes may be increasing, but so is my faith and love. For this reason, as I continue racing the ghost I take heart because I am convinced that in the end my faith and love will be the records that matter most.

Revelation 2:19
I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first.

 

Overwhelmed

Every now and then I find myself unveiling a piece of my heart in my writing that I don’t necessarily feel comfortable revealing. This is one those times.  I wanted to share in total transparency my thoughts from earlier today. My hope is that by doing so other parents will see that they are not alone in their frustrations and that there is a way to refocus in those moments when you are totally overwhelmed…

 

 

2:22 p.m., Today

“I am so far behind in laundry that I have an entire pack-n-play filled with laundry to fold, a full load in the wash and in the dryer and four more loads to run.The sink is overflowing with dirty dishes and the dishwasher needs emptied. There are toys and blankets, video tapes, shoes, crayons, cheerios, and smashed carrots covering the floor.

I have stacks and stacks of paper to file.  Many letters still unopened. Tons of homeschool papers needing graded and kids sitting at the table ready to start another lesson. I didn’t write my first graders lesson plan yet.

I need to list events on our company website. They should have been listed yesterday. Two year old is roaming. Baby is fussing. Older boys picking at each other and being loud.

I ate lunch standing up. Four pieces of a quesadilla. One piece as I was making everyone else’s. Another on the way to taking my daughter to sit on the potty.  Another after wiping her bottom. One in between running loads of laundry.

This is my life.

Dear God, I need you to overwhelm me. Pile on sweet moments of profound awareness of your love. Scatter your blessings everywhere I walk. Store up sweet words for me, may you send more and more each day.  Speak to me loudly as I wait for your plans for me to be revealed. Overwhelm me with your peace, a sense of place and order when everything around me is hectic and out-of-place. I love you Lord. May your love overwhelm me more than anything in this world because your love for me is what matters most.”

 

Follow Him

My husband and I met each other in Hawaii when we were only thirteen and fifteen years old. I fell “in love” with him.  Nowadays my husband mostly goes by the name Alex, but not back then. He was Tito. He was soft spoken, mysterious, generous, and (dare I say) romantic. (Now with kids of our own, I see why my dad was up in arms.)  Tito was athletic and courteous, a good listener and friend.  Above all, he was trustworthy and dependable.  All the things I needed at that point in my life. I wanted to follow him wherever he went.

Our time together was cut short after my parents divorced. I moved to New Jersey.  He later moved back to Panama, the country where he was from. There was no following him home. The fact that our paths had ever crossed in the first place was amazing.  We had one short year together and that year was like a small rock being thrown into the lake of destiny, leaving ripples that would never end.

Fast forward six years. I sat watching a show on “long lost loves.”  Something inside me stirred and I thought, “I’ve got to find him.” I searched the internet for what felt like hours and finally found a profile that sounded like it could be him. I was not sure that it was, so I sent an email saying, “If this is you please write me back.” He did.

Only four weeks later, I had moved out of my father’s house and traveled all the way across the country to follow him.  When I moved to be with him, it was not working.  I wanted to get married.  He did not.  I was serious.  He was not.  We were barely getting by and things were going from bad to worse.  Then God sent an angel.

Now whether this woman was truly an angel, we will never know.  But to me she always will be.  One night, when we were visiting friends, Tito had gone out to play tennis with a buddy.  Hours had passed and he still wasn’t back.  I was irritated and so I took off to go looking for him.

I could see him slowly walking toward me in the glow of the street lights. I was mad. As he got closer I started my verbal onslaught, “Where were you!?  His answer, “I was in a woman’s car.” “What!?” I snapped back. “What do you mean, you were in a car with a woman?” He looked the least bit fazed by my fury. “Relax, she was old,” he replied. “That doesn’t matter! She could of had a gun!” I retorted. In a perfectly clam voice he said to me, “You have no idea what happened tonight. I don’t want to talk right now.” My mind was racing. He was acting strange and somewhat distant. What could have happened? All I knew is he had been gone for a long time. It was late and he had confessed to being in the car of an older woman. Was I about to be dumped for some older woman?

I could tell something had happened to Alex.  His entire persona was different.  He had a calmness and certainty about him that was unusual for his character to say the least.

We walked in silence back to our car. We sat in silence for a few minutes. Looking straight ahead he began talking in a slow quite voice, “Something happened tonight. I was playing tennis.  Jared (who he had been playing with) got tired so he left.  Since I got beat so bad I thought I’d hang around and practice my serve.  Then I saw this older lady come out of a white car.  She came up to the tennis court and just stood there watching me.  At one point she yelled, ‘Nice serve!’ I said, ‘Thanks… (he then mumbled in a low voice) crazy lady.’ She stood there for so long that I thought either she had to leave or I was going to leave. Then I hit a ball that flew right out of the court and it landed right by her feet.  She picked it up and walked it straight to me. She handed me the ball and said, ‘I am here tonight because you have a divine appointment.  God has his hands on you and he wants you.’”

He proceeded to tell me that the woman had told him every thing about himself that no one could know. She told him that the Lord told her to go to a certain tennis court because there was someone there that the Lord wanted her to speak to. She asked him why he wasn’t married and told him he needed to be and asked him into her car to pray for him and read to him something from her Bible.  He repented.  He asked Jesus to be his Lord. He prayed to receive the Holy Spirit. Then she was gone.

He looked me square in the eyes and said, “Charity, I have decided to give my life to the Lord.  You are either on the boat or you can pack your bags and go back home.” I remember thinking, “What a relief! I am not getting dumped!  I just had to give my life to give my life to Jesus, whatever that means. I can do that.” He then continued, “On Monday, we are going to go down to the courthouse and get married.”  I thought, “Woo hoo! Double bonus! Not only am I not getting dumped, we are finally getting married! Following this Jesus is already looking like a pretty great deal!” That night I decided to allow Jesus Christ to be the Lord of my life. Alex led me in the same prayer that the woman had prayed with him.

We were young. We were broke. We were not done our schooling. We did not have established careers.  We had no plan other than to follow the Lord and that is what mattered most. Over the past ten years our love and our family has grown larger than I could have ever expected. Time and time again we have had to change our plans. We have been blessed by God because we have continued to stick to the only plan and purpose that never fails, “Follow Him.”


Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. -Proverbs 19:21

 

Whack the Bad

As our three boys get older, I continue to be fascinated by their emerging personalities.
Our eight year-old is cautious. He always has been. He loves reading and is innately
protective, which are great personality traits for the oldest of five siblings to have.

Our six year-old son is extremely inquisitive and observant. He also is a conservationist.
Whether it be a broken tricycle seat or a trapped moth, if something can be saved he is
going to attempt to save it. He exudes a love of life and an energy level that will leave
you in awe.

Our four year-old son is bold in every way. He rides atop my legs in the classic game
of “airplane” with a hold that goes unrivaled. I shake, tip and rock him in every direction
possible, but that boy is going nowhere. He stays glued, determined to set a new record
for the longest airplane ride on momma’s legs.

When the three of our boys interact it is always an entertaining scene. The other night
our oldest son noticed a spider. He was concerned over what type it was and whether or
not it was poisonous. Our second son leaned in to get a good look and try to determine
how to remove the spider without killing it. Suddenly, from clear across the other side of
our kitchen, their young brother opened our spoon drawer, grabbed a ladle and charged
in. With a loud, “HI-YA” he quickly slammed down the ladle and whacked the poor thing
clear across the other side of the room. Our oldest boys and I stood, wide-eyed at the
sight. There was nothing more to do but laugh.

Watching our boys’ emerging personalities is a true joy. They make mistakes and have
flaws, but that is not what matter most. Good traits and good times. Those are what
matter most. Mistakes can be forgiven. There is grace for flaws. Whack out the bad. Hold
on to the good. Hold on to it like a four year-old boy determined to set the record for the
longest airplane ride on momma’s legs.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

 

Google is Not God

The other night after bedtime, our boys wanted me to stay in their room with them to answer all of their burning questions about fishing, death, heaven, the universe, stars, our spinning planet, surgeries, and more.

“Why am I not good at fishing?”

 ”How do you get the catfish off the line and then cook it?”

“Is God alone in heaven?”

“Who is in heaven?”

“How far away is heaven?”

“What is a star made of?”

“Can a star hit our planet?”

“Is our planet really spinning? Why don’t we feel it?”

“What do doctors use to cut people?”

“How do they put the part they cut open back together?”

“Is that how the doctor got us out of you?

“What is happening to your body when you are sleeping?”

I answered all their questions as best as I could. Then I told them, “I am not God. I don’t know all the answers.” My oldest son answered, “But you have google.” I could not help but smile to myself.

That is the problem with our generation- we seek more answers from Google than God. We think we can find out the answer to every question simply by going online and doing some research.  We seek. We find. We trust. Most of the time we have no clue who is even providing the information that we are trusting.  Still, we will believe and take action based on the answers we find.

I believe in research, doctors and Google. I just believe in God more.  Google gives you possibilities. God’s Word gives you certainties.  When you are seeking answers to the hard questions you can try Google. You can find tons of information on nearly everything you want to know.  You will find many opinions and “facts” that absolutely matter.  Just keep in mind that in the end, what God says matters most. Seek the answers to the really hard questions by praying and studying God’s word. Teach your kids to seek God more than Google.

 

Psalm 33:4
For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does

 

Resolve to Reflect

It has been an entire year since the opportunity presented itself for me to share weekly reflections on what matters most in my life.  It is an opportunity that I will forever be thankful for.  As simple as it seems, spending one hour a week to reflect on what matters most can change your life. It causes you to spend every day asking God to reveal to you what matters most. It also causes you to slow down long enough to write down precious memories and lessons that you will never forget.  Don’t have a New Year’s Resolution? Let me challenge you with this one:  This year, plan to dedicate just one hour a week to reflect on what matters most.  Pray about it. Write about it. Be blessed.

For my friends, family and blog followers- Thank you for joining me every Monday to reflect on What Matters Most.  I’m looking forward to another year of precious moments and  reflections.  Praying for each of you.  May you be blessed this new year.

-Charity

Psalm 90:12
Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

 

Two Kind Gestures

It’s Christmas time.  Extended families are gathering together, sharing meals, presents, bathrooms and bedrooms.  It is a joyous time but it can also be a stressful time.  There are two small gestures that we can extend to make Christmas and the holidays more merry.  To illustrate these gestures I would like to reminisce on two great scenes from the classic Christmas movie,  “A Christmas Story.”

Gesture #1: Keep your tongue in your mouth.

In “A Christmas Story,” young Ralphie’s friends Flick and Schwartz have a dispute over whether a person’s tongue will stick to a frozen flagpole. Schwartz ultimately issues Flick a “triple dog dare”  and Flick’s tongue does indeed get stuck to the pole.

It is clearly foolish to stick out your tongue to test whether it will or will not get stuck on a frozen flagpole. It is equally as foolish to join in Christmas disputes with family by sticking out your tongue when you should not. Foolish words spoken to family members on Christmas, or any other day, can lead to families being stuck in disputes for years.  So, keep your tongue in your mouth, even when others words around you are a “triple dog dare” to stick your tongue out.

Gesture #2:  Be thankful for whatever you get.

In my favorite scene of the movie, on Christmas morning, Ralphie’s Aunt Clara gives him a pair of bunny pajamas that Ralphie’s dad describes as looking like “a deranged Easter Bunny.” Ralphie’s mother disagrees and makes Ralphie try them on as a kind gesture to Aunt Clara. Ralphie does, much to his annoyance and discomfort.  He looks absolutely ridiculous. His mom decides to keep the pajamas and only have Ralphie wear them when Aunt Clara visits (another kind gesture).

More than likely, you will get presents that you do not like.  Some may be down right ridiculous.  Be thankful for whatever you get, and be especially thankful for a good laugh.  Save that awful present.  Bring it out every year.  Enjoy that gift of laughter for years to come.  It is a gift from God and so is your family.  Practice these two kind gestures this Christmas as you celebrate what matters most.

 

Ephesians 5:4
Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.

 

Welcome Christmas

Our children and I went out to our town parade at the beginning of the month.  We enjoyed listening to a beautiful Hand Bell performance and playing in a “snow” of froth bubbles. At the sound of police sirens approaching children ran to get a closer look of what was to come.  Our kids were so excited to receive high-fives from the kind police officers as they road by on their motorcycles and thrilled to receive high-fives from the fireman that drove by next.

Our children danced with the marching bands, stomping to the beat of the drums.  They exchanged smiles and warm greetings with the many adults and children that went by.  They enjoyed the creatively decorated floats.  Their faces beamed with joy as they galloped with the horses following Santa.

One float, however, apparently troubled our eight-year-old son.  On our way he said to me, “I did not like that one with the ugly green Santa in the chimney.  Why did they make him look like that?”  I laughed as I realized that he did not recognize the Grinch from Dr. Suess’ “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” on The Home Depot’s float. I tried to explain the story and later in the week watched the movie with our kids.

The Grinch takes everything from the families in Who-ville, even the food in the refrigerator, believing that he could stop Christmas from coming.  What he finds out is that he could not. On Christmas morning though each Who awoke to a great loss, they still spent Christmas morning singing praises and welcoming Christmas Day.  As the Grinch says, “How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages boxes, or bags!”  Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! “Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more.”

What a great example the Whos in Who-ville set for children and adults alike.  Christmas is not about the ribbons, packages, boxes and bags. It is about a greater gift that was given to the world, the gift of God’s love and His salvation through Jesus Christ.  No person can steal this gift from you.  If the only thing you woke up to on Christmas morning was God’s love would you still be able to welcome Christmas?  That is what matters most.

Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.